Into the Void of Despair
An excerpt of the obscure thoughts that run through my mind.
I have come to the indisputable conclusion that I am a strange being. A very potent claim, but yet still a claim I dare make. So far I’ve come to terms with several different aspects of life whether it be a career path, an academic path, a romantic interest, and future duties that are required of me. And yet it has been made to my painful realization, that I function with no innate form of motivation other than because it is expected of me to do so. Don’t get me wrong, I am a very expressive and opinionated person but because I never had it figured out for myself, I didn’t mind having the path paved for me over and over again.
So why this realization? Why now? You see, recently I’ve been egged on continuously by different people in both serious and casual circumstances. Egged on how you ask? Simple. By very rudimentary (aha! I did not use fundamental folks!) questions:
1. “What makes you wake up every day in the morning?”
2. “Why are you still doing this?”
3. “But are you happy?”
In which, my former self would just so easily brush this off because emotionally validating myself is never something I have done very skilfully. (My friends will validate this and also proceed with their dubious lectures they bestow upon me consistently, much love though!) That’s the thing though, I have never actually cultivated a valid reason, or a reason nevertheless to do the things I do other than because it is what is expected of me. So now I’m here, stuck, bewildered, and falling into a void of despair.
This has made me realize why I haven’t really progressed to a level far more superior than anyone, I lack the key driver to any form of success: passion fuelled by a purpose, however impotent it may be.
I’m going to try something here, I’m going to answer these questions the best way I know how to deal with any difficult thought processing emotions I go through, I’m going to write the answer to those question with my current state in mind.
- To see if another day can change the way I feel.
- Because it is the right way to provide for the people I care about.
- No. I just feel empty, all the time.
But hey, what do I know, I’m just a 21-year-old crumbling under a realization I should have made years ago. In all honesty, I’m still trying to find something that I genuinely enjoy, that I genuinely want to pursue, that I want to see myself grow and evolve with. Maybe it’s this, maybe it’s not. Maybe I’ll find an answer I seek tomorrow or maybe never.
Who knows, after all a ramble is only just that, a ramble.
Still breathing… eventually I guess, I will figure it out.
